PorcelainMalice

Account move impending. 

I have realized that this one is actually... far from secure from the eyes of certain individuals I rather not have viewing this page. Dont we all just love the electronic age? Getting away from people is a tough one, but not impossible assuming you know how to.

Information on new whereabouts will be passed down to friends in messages so sit tight.

Attempting to achieve sleep has led me into exhaustion and bitter thoughts.

One of those nights..Why?

Because.

Being human hanker chief is suddenly very exhausting. I cant keep knocking on the doors that only open when havoc ensues. There needs to be balance. I can't keep soaking up the negative energy our of (some) of you, without balancing it out with the positive as well.

If you want to only be there when your life derails (aka when your boyfriends turn out to be pricks) - call somebody else. I dont need to be playing friends to those who only see me as acquaintances. Its shitty, its exhausting, it is not a friendship.

I think I feel drained entirely of all the positive energy. Im not even sure how to fix that right now.

Egh.

Various things, weighing the mind.

Its that time of the year again, when its "not hot enough" (in this house only) for the air conditioner to be on, but also hot and humid enough to not be able to sleep. At all. And in a household where nobody respects your privacy and likes to open the door while one is asleep - sleeping without a blanket and/or clothes-less entirely is not a thing that can happen.

Tired of being unable to find a platform that I can stick to, to let off steam. Cant use FB, people get upset. Cant use VF, being spied on by individuals who should have long ago forgotten who I am. Can't use tmblr.. way too bloody confusing of a thing to use. Feels like youre kind of talking to a wall, which is okay, in ways, but.. impossible to navigate webpages make everything annoyingly difficult. If anyones got any ideas, I am all ears (well, eyes...)

Tired of seeing the same patterns. Maybe it's just my high flying anxiety, that seems to convince me so nicely that "things should be happening right now right this moment constantly forever", and if theyre not - somethings wrong. But maybe something is. I dont know. All I know its one way when it starts, then it trails off, sorta, and you end up wondering if its all going down hill or if this is what CALM and STABLE looks like. Because I sure are fuck don't really quite remember what that is really like. All I know is that I run with my brain and my brain runs faster than all (those around me), so my inability to tell stability from onsets of bored indifference (from the other party) is quite real. Real and hard to live with. Particularly at these times. My inability to be "that guy" and nag insufferably demanding answers, reassurance or explanations is quite real too. Though reassurance would be nice, right about now..

Lack of socialization has been a real issue. Four friendships down - four burned. Well.. two burned. With a vengeance and a promise of severe retaliation should they ever look this way again. Other two.. lingering. On fire, that they set themselves. I refuse to now cross either because it does not foreshadow anything good. I've done what I can. Both need to be left to roast in their own fires until they smarten up or decide to do something about it, because I''m not a miracle worker, and I, specifically - am not the answer. 

Yes. This was cryptic. It needs to be. Well, I want it to be. Because thats how I roll. Moving on...

This is more so in relation to something I saw just now. Some people on here need to grow the f*ck up. Relax. Enjoy the works. Dont go into bashy-bashy rants about something you... clearly dont have any clue about. Nor should you talk as if your opinion is fact. It isnt. There are many opinions, this one is yours - but it isnt fact. Perhaps many people disagree, because there is something to actually disagree about. Perhaps it all depends what and whos point of view you look at is from. Or perhaps those who disagree look into things a little deeper and posses a bigger capacity to understand things, than you do yourself. But getting pissy about it and breaking into rants because youre either willfully ignorant, or emotionally challenged in certain areas of life - doesn't make for a very good look. Not to mention, how very petty and annoying. Especially when the subject is a persons art, but ya'll gotta deviate into the left field, just to let us all know how bitchy you can get.. Bravo.

Family. Always something. I am a firm believer that if one does not possess the desire to go somewhere, do something, partake in various activities then by all means - they are absolutely 100% free to stay at home, or do their own thing. It is really, bloody irritating having organized a nice thing for people, but then have them just bitch and bitch and bitch.... aaand bitch. Stay. Home. If you think its not a good idea and all that jazz - by all means go away, stay HOME. Secondly, if you for some reason dislike the people you go with, easily set off, etc... DO NOT GO. I do not want to hear this shit. It is your own fault that you flip out at things the way you do (in relation to particular individual). You repress yourself, hence this happens. I dont need this around. Seriously. Also the fact that you dont actually understand why I left this place is... astounding. I know for a fact, that the brutalities of this place were not my imagination. Im guessing because you didnt get the brunt of that, you wouldn't understand. Though Im pretty sure its been mentioned before. Still... wow. Living in the same household.. how in the hell would you ever think that's okay. I wonder if this means that if you ever have children of your own, that at some point, years down the line, I'll have to pull them out of your care exactly for these reasons. Because I will.. this shit goes on no longer. Whether its related to me or anyone else on this marvelously deformed side of the family tree might produce. Anyway, moving on...

People knowing jack squat about politics or parties they vote for are a whole other section of What. Not even worth ranting about, because that would take too much time and space, and frankly.. It's all been said before.

Im kind of wondering, currently, why do I have some of these people on my facebook.. I never talk to them. Some of them are quite shady. Not in a way that I dont know them, but more so in a way that overtime they have changed in strange ways. Ways that pretty much highlight the fact that we're not really "friends" anymore. Also on that note... people who adopt animals and then just ditch them when life gets tough or some weird shit happens... and then they adopt more of them later, let them go, adopt more.. etc. I dont get this. Learn responsibility. Learn that animals arent just fucking toys, they are living creatures. And they do not need your indecisive, neglectful bullshit. And that if youre going to be the type of person doing that to them, do them and us a favour - Dont Adopt. Anyone ever. Leave them to those who actually care enough to take care of them for life, instead of "temporary" because you think its a cool thing to have or because at that one particular moment - you feel you gotta.

Anyway.. I think that is all.. and I feel more tired already... maybe this will help alleviate the pressure in my head. So I can sleep, without monologing myself to death.

I wish you'd pay attention to me right now.. I really wish you did. Sigh. I could really use that...